Panic Attacks – The Thing They Don’t Tell You About When You Have Anxiety
I suffered from severe anxiety in my teens, but panic attacks (to me, at least) were simply when you are unable to breathe. Little did I know how much panic attacks would take over my life in my early twenties.
The earliest memory I have of my panic attacks is lying in bed with my partner, Charlie, and experiencing what I can only describe as a belief that I was having a stroke or a heart attack. I was in complete disorientation and did not know what was happening to me. I remember sitting by the open window, where Charlie was calming me down and telling me that everything was going to be okay. It was not until the physical sensations subsided that I laughed and said “I think I just had a panic attack, but I don’t know why. I don’t feel anxious.”
At first, the panic attacks were sporadic and irregular. I did not notice a trigger, nor did I consciously feel anxious. But the frequency slowly increased and increased until they became a part of my everyday life. They were terrifying. They make you question what is reality and what is just a figment of your imagination.
I started to realise that they would happen when I was simply doing nothing – relaxing, watching tv, or going to sleep. I was so confused as I was not experiencing the anxiety that I was so familiar with from my teenage years. I did not know how to make them stop. I must say a special thank you to Charlie for getting me through those dark days. I do not know where I would be without his unconditional support, calming me down, in person or over the phone.
The anxiety began to manifest itself in other ways. I became obsessed with my physical health, constantly asking my partner to check my temperature and my heart rate to see if anything was wrong with me. I had incredibly invasive thoughts and began to worry about the things that I had always taken in my stride. My parents began to notice how out of character this was for me as someone who has never been a worrier.
I began to conduct my own research into panic attacks, the causes and how to reduce their frequency and intensity. I adopted a number of different strategies that began to calm me down. This included meditation, listening to rain sounds whilst going to sleep, taking time out of social media, journaling my thoughts and feelings, reading self-help books and generally being more open to a few people closest to me about how I was feeling. One thing Charlie did was send or show me a coping strategy each time I was panicking - list 5 things you can see, hear, smell, touch and taste. I also sought help from the mental health service at my university, but due to the strain on this service, I was only able to see my therapist once each month. This was a great help, and the panic attacks slowly became more manageable, but they did not subside.
One of the scariest panic attacks that I can remember was at Love Saves The Day festival in May 2019. I was queuing for the toilets with my best friend, Emily, when it suddenly felt like the floor had been pulled out from beneath my feet. She was brilliant at calming me down, and we eventually decided that it was best for me to go home. I had managed to reign the anxiety in when I was completeling my final assessments for my undergraduate degree, but this experience forced me to realise that my anxiety was having an adverse impact on my daily activities and was preventing me from enjoying the things that I love.
I decided that it was time to seek more help. I was due to go on holiday in the coming weeks, but I was absolutely dreading the flight, having invasive thoughts about the plane crashing. This really concerned my parents as I am an experienced traveller and had even gone to Australia alone when I was just 18. Again, the anxiety was stopping me from doing the things that I loved, so I decided to make an appointment with my GP. I wanted to trial some medication to get me through my holiday but knew that I needed to return to therapy once I was back.
The GP prescribed me with sertraline, which I can only describe as one of the worst experiences of my life. Anti-anxiety medication works wonders for some but does not agree with others. The first day of taking sertraline I was buzzing around and felt a sense of relief from my anxiety for the first time in months. But things took a drastic turn for the worst the following day. I became desperately depressed, not wanting to talk, eat, or get out of bed. I wondered what the point was if this was how the rest of my life was going to feel. It made me feel suicidal - something I was embarrassed to admit.
Meanwhile, those around me would tell me how ‘strong’ I was, even that they were ‘jealous’ of my achievements and the materialistic things that I had in my life. But what were those things worth when I was facing crippling anxiety that prevented me from leaving the house and living a normal life? Still, I painted on a brave face, not letting the world know just how much I was suffering.
After a conversation with my partner and my parents, I decided that it was best to come off the medication immediately. It did offer me a small relief, and I looked forward to having a much-deserved break in Madeira the following week. (Please do not let my experience dissuade you from trying medication to manage your anxiety. There are people that I know who swear by it, but it just did not work for me!) The holiday was just what I needed, with minimal panic attacks throughout the week. I had a digital detox - staying off social media, and spending quality time with my family helped me to start the journey of getting back to my old self.
When I returned from holiday, I looked into having private therapy. I know that this is a luxury that others cannot afford, but I was desperate to seek help, and the NHS waiting list was long. The therapy was expensive, but I do not regret a single penny. My therapist was absolutely brilliant and helped me to understand that the panic attacks were my body’s natural way of protecting myself when I became exposed to a perceived threat. She taught me to ride it out, until, eventually, I would feel the physical sensation and let it pass without worry. What my therapist did uncover, however, was something of a revelation to me. She suggested that my fast-paced, high-achieving lifestyle meant that my mind was constantly preoccupied with what was going on around me. It was only when my mind began to slow down, for example, when going to bed, that I had time to notice the deep-rooted anxieties that I had in my life. We began to overcome each of these anxieties one after the other, and I soon felt the most at ease that I had in years.
But then came a day that I will never forget. We lost a close family member, and it ripped us apart. I was terrified of suffering from the panic attacks again, but with the strength of my incredible family, who I am beyond grateful for (special shoutout to my beautiful family who have shown so much love and strength through the awful experiences that life has thrown at us over the last few years), I was able to keep my head above water and face my grief head on. Our family member was taken from us far too soon, but through all the pain that came with it, I learned a valuable lesson.
I no longer bottle my emotions up; I will cry if something upsets me. I will also cry if something makes me happy. This person taught me to live life to the full and that people who wronged me were not worth my time. I have stopped putting myself out for people that would never return it and have cut off toxic relationships with no regrets. I take every opportunity that is given to me and make every single day count. I no longer live for the weekend.
We do not know how much time we have left, so what is the point in working in a mundane job from Monday to Friday, and partying into oblivion on a Friday or Saturday, just to repeat the cycle again? There is so much more to life. There is so much to be grateful for.
So, where am I now? My life is very much back on track. There are those days where I can feel myself slipping back into old feelings, but I put the tools that I have equipped myself with into practice and I ride it out. Despite the challenges that Covid-19 has thrown our way, I am the happiest that I have been in a long while. I desperately miss my family, but I know that staying away from them is for the best. I find comfort and happiness in the little things in life and appreciate everything that I have. And what’s more, I can’t remember the last time that I had a panic attack. It feels like a thing of the past.
Please reach out if you feel that your mental health is slipping or has become overwhelming. People will always care, regardless of what your mind may be telling you.
“I would rather listen to your problems than attend your funeral.” Keep this quote in mind. There is no shame in suffering.
Look after yourselves, everyone! And know that I am always here to listen.
Here are some of my top tips for coping with anxiety:
Exercise. It’s a great stress relief.
Meditation. It helps you to calm down and centre your thoughts.
Talk to someone. Don’t be afraid to reach it. Confiding in someone will lift a weight off your shoulders.
Journaling. Brain dumping is a great way to clear your mind.
Reduce your alcohol intake. It can trigger feelings of anxiety.
Reduce your screen time. It’s amazing what time away from social media can do for your mental health. Have a digital detox, even.
If you’re having a panic attack, mentally or physically list the things that you can see, hear, smell, taste, touch. It will help you to be present and calm your thoughts.
Go for a walk to clear your mind.
Seek help. There is no shame in contacting your GP or a counsellor.
Do more of the things you love.
