Dealing with Grief and Experiencing Loss

We all experience loss. The loss of a loved one. Losing a family pet. A relationship ending. Losing a job. Feeling like we have lost ourself. There are so many experiences of this emotion.

Putting pen to paper, here is my story about the different experiences of loss and how it’s affected my Mental Health.

The first time I really experienced this emotion and pain was when I lost my Nan. Grief is just something you cannot explain; it’s different for every single person who has to go through it. My Nan got diagnosed with cancer and for the last part of her life I was next to her bed, holding her hand, telling her how proud I was going to make her and how I’d take care of Grandad. I knew I was losing my Nan, I knew it was going to cause so much pain, it already was. But, I had no idea HOW much pain.

‘You knew she was going to pass away Saff, so at least you were able to come to terms with it’ is a comment a client made to me shortly after. I knew I was going to lose my Nan, but I’d never lived without her before, so how could I possibly prepare myself for that emptiness? I’d lost my best friend. I hated everyone and everything from that moment forward. I couldn’t talk about Nan, I couldn’t go and see my Grandad in their home because I would go straight into panic mode and burst into floods of tears when I stepped in the door. I couldn’t be strong for myself let alone my family who were also suffering.

I remember my younger sister Alysia just holding me as I broke down in her arms. I felt guilty that I couldn’t do the same for her. I was so unhappy. I knew something had to change. I took the plunge and went to the doctors. They prescribed me antidepressants. I was embarrassed, but I knew I had no reason to be. I started to find myself again. I was able about to talk about Nan, I was able to go and see my grandad and got comfort out of being in their home even though she wasn’t there. Things got better. I still battled with anxiety from time to time, but as time went on I was able to control and manage it. I found someone I loved, I started in a new salon which gave me opportunities to go to places I’ve always want to in my career. I was no longer on my medication and I was truly happy for the first time since losing my best friend.

Like life does, things took a turn, and Grandad fell ill November 2019. I was stronger, older and (thought) I knew exactly what I needed to do and how to handle the grief. It all happened very quickly compared to Nan. He didn’t talk very much, our Grandad, but from the first day he lost his wife, you knew he just wanted to go and be with her. He made us all so proud.

We lost Grandad on the 23rd December 2019. Christmas was very different, the pain was excruciating, but I had a feeling of comfort knowing that they were back together again. I had that to hold on to manage the upcoming months very differently. The same pain - I just knew I had to handle it differently and not allow myself to go back into that dark place I was before. I remained as strong as I could be and had the best support around me.

So, 2 losses - my grandparents, who taught me so much and still keep me strong now. I dealt with both very differently, and both affected me very differently.

I thought it would be a very, very long time before I felt pain like that again. But I lost someone else I loved. Another safe place, another loss that I had no control over. However, this time I wasn’t grieving death. I was grieving a relationship. I never thought the pain would be equal. But to me, it was another loss, another person I loved that was no longer in my life. Then, 2020 took an even bigger turn and 5 weeks later we went into a National Lockdown.

I lived on my own, quite frankly, I had no idea what I was going to do or what was going to happen to me. The strength I had built up over the last few years had completely gone. I went downhill extremely quickly. I felt empty and alone. I cried all day and night for months, I didn’t sleep for weeks, I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t see any of my friends or family and I had no work. I was completely trapped in my own mind and four walls and I just wanted everything to go away.

Restrictions eased, and my friends and family held me up. I was able to start going out socialising. Another friend of mine was going through similar. She understood and we were able to laugh and cry together with any judgement at all, whilst on the same emotional rollercoaster.

I don’t know what I would have done without my friends. I knew I was in a very dark place. No matter how much I smiled when I was with my favourite people, I was unhappy and I was going home every night crying, wishing for it all to still go away, torturing myself by thinking of happier times. I honestly thought the pain was never going to go away. But at no point did I tell anyone how low I was feeling, because they needed me and I wanted to remain strong for them.

And I truly believe that’s what kept me going. I didn’t want to let anyone down.

So, within 3 months I had lost my grandad, a relationship, my job temporarily and a social life. I was so blessed to have people I loved around me, but I’d never felt so alone or scared to lose something else. I carried on working, socialising once we could and making memories with friends.

Until in October, me and my friends received the worst news imaginable. Our friend Josie had lost her life to suicide. The girl who was experiencing the same situation as me, the one I could laugh and cry to about boys, life, anything and everything. We had lost her. The most beautiful smile, who lit up every single room. I beat myself up. If I was stronger maybe I would have noticed? I felt like I’d let her down. How could someone so incredibly talented and beautiful feel like they weren’t good enough for this world? My fear of losing someone else I loved happened again. And the only way I dealt with this, was to try and be there for everyone else. Our whole friendship group was suffering and we needed one another more than ever. I did everything and anything I could to be there and make their grief that little bit easier. I was not going to let anyone else down. I was so petrified of losing someone else, letting someone else down. Concentrating on being there for others kept me away from my own worries. My mind was on the go all the time. I didn’t know where to go from that day forward. I started to dread every day more than ever, waiting for bad news. I didn’t feel good enough for the world. I felt like everyone could do without me. I was the lowest I had ever been and I just chose to suffer in silence thinking I was protecting everyone else.

Your mind is a truly scary place, but please don’t let it win. We lost Josie 3 months ago. But it’s been 3 months of growing, of putting myself first, allowing myself to cry but most importantly, TALKING. Opening up. Expressing how I feel, talking about my bad days, asking for company when I’m scared to be on my own. I made the decision to talk out loud.

And where am I now? I’m still here. I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt. I love more than ever, I show appreciation and gratitude more than I ever have. I try not to allow my bad days to cause me anxiety. I’m starting counselling. I’m content on my own. I’m starting to feel happy moments again. I’m putting myself first; I’m choosing me. I’m trusting the process. I’m proud of myself.

The last 12 months have shown me how precious life is, how strong you can be without even realising it and to NEVER EVER give up. You are loved and sometimes you need to rely on others to keep you together. Allowing people to help you is the hardest thing to accept, but it’s so worth it.

Please talk.

Please remember you are good enough.

Talk about it.

I’m so grateful to still be here and to make my Nan, Grandad and Josie proud. I don’t care if you’re a stranger, or someone I know. My door is always open and I will listen to you. Don’t suffer in silence. You’re not overreacting, you’re not stupid, it’s not embarrassing.

People love you and want you here.

Remember that.