A Student's Battle with Mental Health Issues and Alcohol Consumption
As a for a lot of people, young or old, mental health is something that is struggled with on a day to day basis. It is the ‘deep dark dog’ that follows you around no matter what you do to try and kick it out the way, to drown it out or pray that it will go away. It is a problem within society today more than ever with social media everywhere, the media itself shaming people for their decisions, their looks, how they live their lives - we are watched. This takes its toll on millions of people every day. Like a lot of others, I was unlucky enough to have suffered at the hands of my mental health.
Throughout my teenage years, I was so happy. I had the best of friends, everything was fantastic. However, shortly after turning 18, I felt my life slowly starting to spiral out of control. I never realised how unhappy and depressed I was until events started happening that I didn’t really see as wrong at the time. I honestly believed I was fine and just partying like any other person of my age. A few months later, I started university away from home and I was so excited, yet so terrified. I made the most amazing friends and was blessed to have those people supporting me. A toxic relationship breakdown just tipped my mental state off the edge. I remember just wanting to go out all the time and party to get over the fact I was so unhappy.
The buzz of the alcohol and the confidence it gave me on speaking and meeting new people felt incredible. I had attention I never had before, especially from boys. This didn’t just put me at risk, but it put my housemates at risk too. I was losing complete control of myself, my actions and my health, both physically and mentally. I piled on weight and that made me unhappy and lack confidence, so I’d drink more in order to give me the confidence and the cycle continued. I was briefly hospitalised a couple of times because I passed out from drinking too much.
Back at home, family issues were bubbling over. I was finding the juggling all too much. Trying to study and trying to work part time as most students have to, and also having to deal with family tragedy and serious issues that just kept happening. One thing after another. I couldn’t go home to help because I had exams to attend, a lot of the time on no sleep because of the stress and anxiety. I couldn’t sleep and just kept eating more and more. Due to changing course, I was a year behind from my friends and did an extra year, so in my last year I was back in halls on my own. The only friends I had around were ones I worked with and a couple that lived in the area. This just increased the loneliness and suicidal thoughts. What was the point anymore? My family were so busy dealing with their problems, it felt that I really didn’t matter anymore. Of course, I did, but at the time I genuinely believed I was going to die in that halls room. All I wanted to do was lay in bed in the dark and eat until I was sick and then get myself up, ready to go out and pretend I felt absolutely fine.
The counselling service at the university, my friends and my family helped get me back in a space so that I could scrape through with a 2:2. I was determined that I was going to finish it and even though the grade wasn’t the best, I was ecstatic that I had even passed. I believed this time in my life was over as I moved back home. However, it wasn’t. I still had family issues that were ongoing and deep-rooted issues that kept showing themselves. I couldn’t just go out and have a few nights out with my friends. I was taking it one step further each time. Not having any recollection of what I'd done the night before, waking up in places I didn’t even know. Looking back, I remember not even knowing who I was anymore. I didn’t recognise myself. I was fat, I was ugly and my head was my worst enemy. When I wasn’t out getting wasted trying to forget, I was crying myself to sleep and trying to fight the constant sadness and anxiety running through my head and body.
After one terrible night out, I put myself and my best friend in massive danger and I ended up on her doorstep at 4am after losing her and my phone and didn’t have any recollection of where. She had to bath me to get me to sober up and warm me up after I'd been wandering about in the cold and rain crying. Thinking that I wouldn’t go back and that I would just run away and never come back made me realise that that was my time to go. I knew this was it and something had to change. This could not happen anymore. I wanted and needed this to stop. My family and I found my incredible therapist, who helped me progress and deal with all these issues that I’d tried to block out. She gave me the tools and techniques in order to deal with everything I needed to. I stopped drinking for a while. I also attended an AA meeting which helped me see that this wasn’t me, this wasn’t what I wanted and I wanted my life to be different so that I could have a healthy relationship with alcohol.
After a year of therapy, I no longer need to have the help anymore. She is always on the end of the phone if I have a ‘wobble’ or need advice, but now I have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I can stop. I no longer put myself in dangerous situations and most of all, the most massive thing for me, is that I am no longer taking anti-depressants. After 7 years on them, it has been nearly a year since I’ve taken one and I am so proud and happy with myself and I am so thankful for all the support from my friends, family and my therapist. I have now lost weight, I'm eating better and have much more healthy life. I don’t feel anxious going out anymore and don’t feel the need to drink to forget or to feel confident. I think and feel different. I finally have myself back. But I am not ashamed of my past. As cliché as it sounds, it has made me a better person.
Mental health is so precious and is not recognised as an illness enough. It can come out in so many different ways.
To whoever reads this that has been struggling, it is never too soon but can be too late...
Please speak up, talk to someone and never suffer alone and in silence.
