A (Cis) Male Perspective on Sexual Violence Against Women

By the title, you will have already worked out this is not Soph, although I am sure a few of you will know who I am. Having said that, this is my first ever blog post on any channel and I am super excited to (unlike in my legal essays) be able to speak a little more from the heart on important subjects like this one.

To start at the beginning, this post originated one night when I was texting Soph and she asked me to contribute to the blog (something I have been meaning to do for a while now) on her current topic of sexual violence against women. I immediately said yes, but then immediately stepped back and thought how could I approach it? I am fully aware of the sensitivity regarding the topic. Not only that, but as a cis male speaking on it. I knew it would be a tough task but something in which I felt responsible to complete.

One of the reasons I decided to make this contribution on sexual violence against women is that I thought it was so important that more views from a male perspective were given. This is as most if not all men, including myself, are not doing enough to voice their concerns, call out their friends, fight for change and ultimately do more to end this violence against women.

So here is my actual perspective…

I started this piece in my iPhone notes knowing the last thing I wanted to do was start spouting off about how women feel or what they might think as this is no place for me to say. I have certainly not experienced the level of sexually related incidents that all women face in their lives, and never have I been scared to carry out daily activities due to the fear of sexual violence. However, ALL the women in my life have, and although it upsets me to think they are made to feel this way, just saying “well I wouldn’t do it so it is not all men” does not cut it. Of course, I would not commit violence against women in any way, sexual or not, but it does not mean others don’t - far from it.

Our country is currently dealing with so many issues and, without the need for figures, it is fair to say this feeling of not being safe is getting worse, especially for women.  Only the other day we were being told to not even trust police officers in certain situations (a topic I won’t stretch into, I don’t have a word limit but there’s plenty of sub-topics here that I could spend a long time on - maybe next time?). Having said that, this is why my conscience is telling me I need to do more. In my view, going after attackers means that it is too late and someone or some people will have already experienced sexual violence, possibly to the highest degree. Many women have not even reported these incidents due to it being a daily occurrence or from the fear of how the complaint will be perceived. As a result, there is no way of telling how many cases there have been but it is far clear that this is way beyond the mark.

Therefore, we have to change mindsets. And if one man reads this and changes his own mindset, then as cliche as it sounds, I may have made a slight change in a world that needs a lot. As I have said we cannot just stand and watch as males. This behaviour is not acceptable but we (men) are all guilty of making it acceptable, making jokes, allowing friends or family to commit sexual offences, all without being challenged and enabling sexual violence against women.

Sexual violence has been brought to the forefront and has become very close to us all in light of recent events, namely the Sarah Everard rape and murder in a similar fashion to how the killing of George Floyd last year brought racism to the attention of many. They are both examples of something incredibly atrocious which have been going on for far too long. They are seemingly being ignored throughout society, especially by those not affected. For example, in terms of sexual violence, this is men, people in power (often cis men), police officers (you guessed it, often cis men) and politicians (dare I continue).

The BLM movement gained so much momentum from people from all ethnicities, but I ask myself why women are not getting the same traction from the other sex? Men get very defensive about this subject and at first, I also found myself thinking “but I don’t commit sexual offences/violence against women.” After taking a moment to reflect, I realised, yes but every single woman I know feels constantly threatened and they obviously don't mean me personally. Egos must be put aside, and just because you admit the problem, it does not mean you are confessing yourself to committing these atrocities. Many felt comfortable to stand up for anti-racism but not in ending sexual violence against women and this needs to change.

My initial “few words” before I started running away with what I intended to say was going to be a short message about a great post Soph shared about consent (I’m sure she will be able to link it). Long story short it said consent is sexy and how it should always be asked for, when I see things like this instead of saying well, I would ask and move on to the next post on my timeline (maybe it’s my legal brain) I stop and question why somebody might not. Along with essentially how could that be stopped? Unfortunately, that is probably me being ambitious but my thoughts were fairly simple and if you knew the answer would be yes you would ask, right? So, if you’re not asking for consent because you’re scared of someone saying no, then you’re not the man you think you are.

If you are a man reading this, who doesn’t think these things apply to you, okay, well done for not being a sexual predator but take it one step further and try to make a change, join the fight against sexual violence against women. I’m sure many of you shared something relating to Sarah, but why stop there? Saying that, you do not have to post. I myself tend not to use social media but there are many other ways of doing so. For example, speaking of these facts to your peers instead. Even question your mates when they are showing an enabling behaviour towards any form of sexual violence. Just don’t post because you feel it is something that is fashionable or will get you likes; this is a real problem that needs real attention.

I am sure if you think of the women in your life, be it your mum, daughter, sister, friend or other, you would be incensed if anything of the nature should happen to them. So why allow this behaviour or even commit this sexual violence on others? If you need to be reminded, they are human too with their own feelings and families, so stop treating people differently because you feel like you can get away with it, have power over them, know they have feelings for you or even because you might not know them and are not attached to their feelings.

Hopefully this message has been clear but maybe you have skipped to the end, either way I would like to finish by saying SEXUAL VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN MUST END.

For those of you still here, there’s some extra content below which I feel illustrates the exact problem highlighting how mindsets need to change.

I thought I had finished this article and only had to edit it when I came across this occurrence during work whilst I was listening to BBC Radio 2 (not my choice), specifically, the Jeremy Vine show. For those who have not listened before, it is an afternoon radio show where people are invited to ring in on a variety of topics picked from what is most relevant that week.

One of the topics was sexual violence against women and focussing on the recent “injection spiking” in nightclubs across the country. Firstly, there were some great speakers - one girl who was a victim talking about her experience, another girl campaigning against spiking, and then we came to the next caller, a night club ‘expert’ who had supposedly worked in the industry for 30 years.

His phone call was infuriating and his ‘opinion’ was shocking. Numerous girls are getting spiked with what could be lethal injections and all he could say was to blame the victims and put business first. He made statements such as that he knows all aspects of security are working fine and that these girls are either not being responsible enough by drinking too much or making it up all together if they cannot remember what happened the night before. This culture of victim blaming needs to stop. He never once addressed the problem, and like most men, he was typically defensive. How can you forget girls are literally being stabbed with needles containing unknown drugs, which is making them extremely vulnerable to sexual violence?

I actually messaged Soph my anger and how I wished she was there to put him in his place, but nonetheless this is a clear example of how mindsets need to change and people like him need to be made aware of how ignorant their position is. Women need to be put before business. This is lives in danger, the ultimate cost, and all some people can think about is how this can affect their pocket.

I am lucky enough to have grown up with the privilege of not having to cover my drink, I just cannot imagine how it must feel going out and thinking there is nothing you can do to protect yourself from being injected. Seeing my friends, including Soph, have to go through this fear before and during a night out first-hand has really hit home. As if the current state of sexual violence again women was not already profound, this is absolutely shocking and I feel all men need to be made aware and educated on this topic.

So finally, I have to say one more time if you take nothing more from this, as men we need to do more, stop all forms of sexual violence, and listen to all women about what more we can do to end it.

P.S. this goes without saying, but thanks to Soph for having me on. The incredible work she does certainly inspires me to create more change myself.

(Hopefully this may lead to a semi regular feature)

Charlie.