Who Am I? Finding My Non-Gendered Identity at University

Hello reader, I thought I would introduce myself as I am new to this blog and excited for you all to get to know me and hopefully vice versa. My name is Alex and I identify as non-binary, using they/them pronouns. I thought I could take you through how I found my identity – a narrative I am sure many people are aware of and faced themselves. I want to preface this piece by saying that I will be utilising language that I use in my day-to-day life, particularly the term Queer. This word has been reclaimed by some members of LGBTQ+ communities becoming a label that encompasses the fluidity of identity, or the lack of alternative suitable terminology. However, Queer has historically been used as an abusive slur and therefore, many LGBTQ+ identities do not want to use the word. Both perspectives are valid and should be respected. In my narrative I use the word queer to be more inclusive of the varying identities within LGBTQ+ communities.

I am from a mining village in the South Wales valleys, where the notion of masculinity is heavily attributed to male presenting identities and of course like many queer children, I did not fit in. I was not masculine, nor was I feminine. I mean, I could fluctuate between what society’s notion is of femininity and masculinity and I could also be neither. Therefore, heading to university was exciting for me – I thought I would be able to explore my feelings and my identity further, unconfined from the restrictions I have felt growing up in South Wales. Thus, going to university was a dream come true, until I got there. 

The heteronormativity of space has been vastly researched with many researchers focusing on Higher Educational Institutes (HEI’s). Riley et al. (2011) in their study of student perceptions of homophobia and heteronormativity, found that queer people are often exampled as a novelty – utilised in certain ways within academia that can reproduce stereotypes. Something I became aware of. I noticed in university that queer people, queer theorists, and queer experiences were only discussed in relation to LGBTQ+ people as a topic or within campaign days/months including Pride. Maybe this was due to the lack of queer representation within the staff body. On reflection I found it isolating. I had no materials and no representation, and I still did not know my identity fully. I should not say I had no materials of queer people, I guess I did but this was only during queer history month and much like Riley et al’s (2011) study the material was used as a novelty for the history month.

This carried on throughout my undergraduate degree. However, what I was not aware of, was the impact my education was having on my personal life. I started to hang out with people who were heteronormative. They could not relate to my experience and worst of all, they did not understand. This led to me having friends who were trans exclusionary – although I did not know this at the time. This made my journey of finding my identity even more polarising. I could not express my feeling to my friends without them judging me, because they have never felt anything but the gender they were assigned at birth. Maybe I could go into this more in a future blog post if you would like? But for now, back to university.

I left my undergraduate degree during the coronavirus pandemic and decided to undertake a postgraduate degree in Social Research Methods at a different university. This time one of my lecturers was queer, and better still: they were non-binary. With my first glimpse of representation, I felt myself become more queer and more myself. It was so fun to see, to share an experience with someone and to begin to understand my identity. They also provided more queer material that I have ever had in my undergraduate – no offence to them, I loved the education they provide but please queer it up a little. I began to read more on non-binary people and find myself sharing experiences with other alike.

Again, I did not notice the impact education had on my personal life. I started to hand out with more queer identities and find myself in venues I was not aware existed. I met more non-binary people which solidified my non-gendered identity. I guess it was a slow process and nothing that instantly constituted my labelling of my non-gendered identity. Maybe this is similar to others’ experiences? Regardless, I started to feel comfortable and understand myself. I started to label myself as non-binary, to not have to fit into people’s perceptions of gendered identities and to refrain from putting myself within a gendered or binary label. However, the not so good side of this… remember the friends I spoke about earlier, them. I started to be excluded by them and then blamed for my exclusion because of my identity. I guess the lack of representation of us in education really does pack a punch for social life exclusion. The best part of this though, I had people like me I could fall on. A community of people that had already faced what I was going through and people who would support me in any way. Fellow non-binary people.

Anyway, I know this is a short and sweet version of me coming to terms with my non gendered identity and maybe a little jittery – oops sorry. But nonetheless, it is a glimpse into my life and my journey and something that I can explore further in more detail if you would like. What I am trying to say through this piece, although an introduction to me finding my identity, is that finding yourself can be a long process. It can be something that is not instant, and you may not even recognise right away. But it is important to feel what you are feeling and stay grounded. I think it is important that we (queer people) gain representation in academia and education as a whole that is not a novelty and materials that can aid us in a world that is often against us or opposed to us.

References:

Ripley, M., Anderson, E., McCormack, M., Rockett, B. (2011) Heteronormativity in the University Classroom: Novelty Attachment and Content Substitution among Gay-friendly Students. Sociology of Education [online] 85 (2), pp. 121 -130. Available from: Heteronormativity in the University Classroom: Novelty Attachment and Content Substitution among Gay-friendly Students - Matthew Ripley, Eric Anderson, Mark McCormack, Ben Rockett, 2012 (sagepub.com). [Accessed on 18/02/2023].